Solitude be the remedy? Nah

"Burn my time and energy, jerks ain’t no friends to me
Solitude be the remedy? Nah
I need love in my life, friends by my side
Live stimulation, banter, conversation
Good vibrations, don’t think I’m asking for much
But these things don’t just fall out the sky"
-Nujabes feat. Apani B-Fly Emcee - Strive

I don't think these lyrics need further explanation.

Hi reader. I've been away for several days now. Away from home and away in thoughts. I've been having some weird bonding with old friends and former lovers. And by weird, I mean it was unexpected. As some know, I'm rarely home these days. I'm almost everyday downtown, meeting up with people, drinking coffee, smoking some potent shit. And it felt good. Why did it feel good? Because I love being around people. Even thou most of them aren't compatible with me, I still enjoy company. And I've been in good mood for days now so it's all good.

I really don't have any definitive thoughts atm because I'm still in the process of waking up and figuring out my day, but I'll try to put some opinions and desires in here for today.

So, what was I saying....ah yes, friendship, love, good vibes. Back in the days (several years ago), there was this......really cool friendship we all had. We used to met up in a park, every night. We drank, we laughed, everyone was good friends with eachother. But then, all of a sudden, it all fell apart. Most of the people spread out into different circles and now they all basically "hate" eachother. Those who left, had to adapt to new circles of friendship. Seeking out an alternative. But nothing will be the same. Maybe that's for the better. Searching for the most compatible circle. That's what I was thinking about 2 days ago. I was returning home, high as a motherfucker, and I started thinking about friend circles. Who's where, relationships, basic friendships, acquaintances, where they all fit in. And now, I'm on a mission to create the perfect circle. A group of friends that are perfectly compatible with each other. It's a hard endeavor, and it will take me years, but I'm sure I can do it.

Anyway, I've been cut of from the world for a while until a week ago. I've wanted to see if isolation and solitude would help me or if I could learn from it. Turns out, solitude isn't for me. What I needed to do is just control the amount of time I give to others, and regulate my own "doing nothing" time. Now everything is a-ok. I've explained to some people that I can't be available 24/7 because I live so fucking far away from the city, and I hope they understand when I say that I can't meet up.

I think you can feel my energy through my words. Right now I'm not feeling so......wordy. I do have a lot to talk about, but I don't think I need to force it out of me if I'm not feeling up to it you know.

What I can do, is give you some songs I made to listen to. Because why not? My songs are basically a reflection of my thoughts made into music. Every sound is symbolic and I'm not into pop genre of music where I make songs for others. I make them to express myself.

Here's the link. Enjoy
http://soundcloud.com/project-sunrise

What I want

Hello again.
For today, I thought I'd just chill the fuck out and not make any drama or anything. Don't get me wrong, I just feel like relaxing/lazying around all day.

I've been going out every day for a while now. Because I live far from the city, it's kind of a hassle, but I didn't give a shit about that. Basic routine these days were: get to the city, arrange coffee chill time, when it's done I run into someone who then proceeds to invite me to smoke, I accept, then after a while I run into another person and he/she too invites me for a smoke sesh. So.....basically most of my nights are full of clouds of smoke, and all I'm doing is circulating through the city. It doesn't fulfill me that much thou. I don't care that much about it. Evening would be almost the same without the aforementioned clouds. That's not what I'm searching for.

Right now, my main focus was the randomness of situations. I go out without a plan, and just drift away till I run into something positive. If something's going on that I don't like, I just go somewhere else. Luckily, situations went in my favors. I noticed some things, and the conclusion of it is: "Just because I can, doesn't mean I have to". See, that's kind of a problem. Things happen to me that most of the people would be jealous about, and kinda instigate in them the feeling of hate. Just because I act, look and do like I don't give a shit about some things that they'd want to happen to them.
I'll make a comparison. It's kind of like walking by a fruit store and knowing that you can get any apple out of there for free, but you don't want to because you don't feel like eating apples. And there are people who do, and can't just take it, so a certain kind of jealousy emerges you know?

Maybe I'm full of shit, maybe I'm just imagining things, comforting myself that I have some privileges about some immaterial and material things.
But maybe, just maybe.....that's the point. Getting yourself in that confident state of mind where you know you can, and just do it like it's no problem.
Confidence plays a major role in social communication. A year ago, my confidence and ego crashed like never before. But I learned from it. I learned from the world to toughen up. Now I'm back stronger than ever. Cautionary and serious about some things, sure, but I still got what it takes and I know I can shift my fate anywhere I want to.

For now, I'm just focusing on observing. Studying the situations, calculating my outcomes and just being careful and protective of my mind and heart. I can't let anyone get too close to me. Which is weird, because.....I could tell you almost EVERYTHING from my life, and you still won't be that close to me. I'm all about the feeling. If I feel you're a good person, friend, lover, smoke buddy, fuck buddy, I'll stick around, but if I don't......then you'll barely hear from me.


I've figured out that this "personal" online blog journal will be of interesting help to me. You know how when you hear a song, and it brings you certain memories and feelings? Well, it's kinda the same with this. I'm putting a specific energy into these words that will trigger a memory and motivation for me to go on later on. Like, when I read this couple of years into the future I'll laugh for sure, I'll even think how silly and inexperienced I was (because you can learn a lot in just a week, let alone several years). But that's the point you know. If I laugh at it, and read this with a smile, it means I've done it. I did what I hopped to achieve.

My frustration/anger is subsiding a little because I've been smoking a lot and that shit always calms me down to some level. But at the same time it's also a reactor.
Let me elaborate.

For me, herbs give of a need to relax. Chill out. I can still function in a semi-normal style and goof around with everyone. Talking, moving around, drinking, sure, anything. But for months now, that's not what I want. Is it wrong of me to just want to blaze up with a close friend or a lover and not having a care in the world, just enjoying the moment of ultimate honesty with thoughts. But see, I can't do that. I'm obsessed with other people's thoughts and opinions. And after knowing them closer and closer, I get to pick my words more carefully, and kind of limit my expression. For example, not all people will want to talk about philosophy, not all will want to talk about the beach and the stars. The moonlight reflecting on water. Imagining what's it's like if we lived in an urban jungle, where almost every street has trees, parks, good people enjoying the day you know? I respect the concrete style cities, but god damn, if we keep this up there won't be a tree to relax under. We'll be surrounded with gray pallets, gray skies and just plain old shitty moods everywhere. I digress thou. I went slightly off subject for a moment there. What I'm tying to say is....not many people share my mood about blazing.
First off, I hate smoking in the city, and I hate smoking at night. I still do it either way. Why? Because I honor my friends when they invite me to smoke with them. I humor them in that regard because if they like having me around when they/I are high, I feel the need to grant them that wish. Cheer them up somehow, bring their spirits up, steal some smiles and laughs, right?
To me thou, nothing beats a good chillout session than smoking in the morning, laying on a couch and watching the sunrise while good music is blasting in the background. You know what, fuck sunrise or home blazing, it doesn't matter that much, because I don't want to/am not specifying the details of a chill. What I'm tying to do is explain the feeling. The feeling of NOT being with a person on a logical level. Not being calculating about what words to say next because it'll offend them somehow. Not being able to speak your mind without feeling embarrassed. See, that's what I'm searching for. In another example: A person I get to be quiet with and feel comfortable. A person I don't have to entertain or please. A person I get to be truly myself with.

I think I'll end for now, because I've already made shit load of text. I'll continue next time so until then, stay safe people. Stay positive, and remember. I don't hate anyone nor I'm pretending to be someone else for them, I'm just not giving it my all.

Welcome to the space between two worlds. A place where two different realities collide and make a mess of things that I call "my thoughts". Welcome to sanity and at the same time, welcome to insanity.

Drunkard mornings

"Sometimes I do suspect, I'm a actor in a well-scripted live divine comedy
When I look back at the frozen slice of time and try to defrost the senses lost
Now enough with the metaphors, the motivation that I wrote this letter for
For you to know that the music help us carry on
Like you say a new day will bring us tomorrow..."
- Nujabes feat. Shing02 - Luv (sic)


Hey guyze. I honestly gotta say a lot of things have changed since I started writing this. I still can't mention names or specific words and happenings because I'm not the one to give away that sort of "secret" information and basic speculations.

My day started with me playing some PC games until I got a call from someone. I responded that I'll gladly go downtown for a cup of coffee. A nice reminiscence talk was had and I enjoyed the overall conversation even thou I didn't appear that way on the outside. I couldn't express fully that I'm comfortable, and also couldn't express that I wasn't. It's like holding back, but holding back for a long term reason. I've begun to listen more than to talk. And I find it ok to behave like this for a while. Just collecting various information until I know the perfect response, so that I won't be spitting empty useless bullshit. Like a psychiatrist. I believe I'm a natural at that. Could be boasting atm, but you'll know what I mean when I actually help you with something.

When the coffee talk ended, I started to stray downtown. And I gotta tell you, I ran into SHIT LOAD of people. Old friends, new friends, acquaintances, a lot of people. Luckily I looked like a sexy chill motherfucker and I was content with my looks that night so I felt good about just walking around. You know that feel, when you're clean, hair looks "breezy", have a good combination of clothes that you feel comfortable in and you just feel as if nothing's wrong. It's when you blend in just enough that no one could give you shit about your style of clothing, and yet stand out just enough to be noticeable as a unique person that you could spot miles away. Confident walk, earbuds on your ears, unzipped hoodie that looks as if it's gonna fall of your shoulders because you couldn't give less of a fuck that you're wearing it. Etc, etc.

Anyway, as the night progressed, and as I kept running into more and more people, I decided to just hang out with one of the groups. I met up with them, and we immediately started drinking. They were drinking beforehand, so I had to catch up relatively fast. And I did. I admit, I got drunk, and I even managed to FELL ASLEEP DURING A CONVERSATION. That never happened to me before you know. Imagine that situation where you're talking, talking, talking, and suddenly someone's nudging you because you fell asleep in the middle of the sentence. I only slept for a couple of seconds yet I woke up refreshed. And I felt kind of embarrassed, because my body wouldn't listen to my mind. Sober in the head, drunk in the body. So I was walking, but I strayed left and right for several minutes until I got the hang of control. It was around 5am, so I decided I won't take a cab, but walk home.
It's an amazing feeling. Walking home hungover, while the sun is coming up and you're looking at people going to work.

I feel the need to note that I've been smoking cigs significantly more. I know I'm already addicted to them, but why do I have the need to smoke more. I've never went beyond a pack a day, but recently, 2 packs barely satisfy me. That's not good not only for my health, but my wallet. I need to fix that asap.
I know that stress plays a major role in all of that, but I'm not yet comfortable to tell what's the reason for that stress. But I can say that in the next few days, my stress will either increase, or it will disappear completely.

Also, another thing.
I'm not depressed. Far from it. The feeling of seriousness, worry and a low brow when I'm next to some people doesn't mean that I'm depressed. It just means that I have a lot on my mind and that I'm trying to organize the right words without:
A) Sounding too serious
B) Sounding too goofy
C) Spitting out random bullshit

So let this be a reminder. I'm not sad, I'm not depressed, I'm just building up my personality to adapt to my age without scaring off old friends with a sudden change in behavior and a way of thinking. I'm still a funny charming goofy guy, but I need to express my serious side too, you know.


I think I'll close up for today. I wanted to write this morning when I returned after a drinking session but I don't think that would be a good idea. It's better like this, when I wake up and I pull out things from my (long term) memory that got stuck, instead of impulsive short term thoughts that won't get me nowhere, instead, overcrowd my blog with random bullshit that will soon be forgotten and I won't learn from it.

Welcome to the space between two worlds friends, welcome and stay safe and awesome. Spread the good vibes, and I'll return them twice-fold.

Coffee Talks, Stoned Talks

Well.....wow. I've really started to enjoy the randomness of situations that engulf me.
I wanted to write last night, but I was too stoned to even look with my eyes. But the good part was that my eyes were open in a metaphorical sense.

So, where do I begin. Hmm. I did what I talked about in the last blog post, about calling some people for a cup of coffee downtown. It was still morning when I went to the city, and it was morning when I returned, 16 hours later. I had a very relaxed conversation with someone dear to me and I'm thinking I should do it often, then out of nowhere when I was returning home I ran into an old friend, then later on, we went to another old friend. That certainly brought my mood up.

But what really surprised me even thou it was to be expected to (I just didn't know when), was when an old friend asked me to smoke him out for the first time. So I did. We laughed, we got goosebumps, we tripped, we had sudden moments of realization, all in all, it was unsuspectingly pleasant since I'm wary about newcomers to my smoke circle. Speaking of which, I wanna talk about that a bit more atm.

The thing is, you never know what kind of person you'll run into when they're blazed for the first time. That's their first realization of themselves and they aren't aware of their words and behaviors. So it's important to always set the mood right and keep the high spirit rolling. Ambiance of music, good vibe flows and just keeping the interesting conversation going. Those things are very important for me to like someone who's high. The reason I say this is because there are a lot of people I know that turn into very different persons when they're stoned. When the paranoia and barriers of manners and words disappears you get a person that openly express their desires, openly expresses their thoughts, and sometimes you don't like what you hear, but most of the times it's all good. That was the case last night. Everything was unexpectedly chill. So I think I might have gotten a new Ent to my circle. Note to self: I should visit him more often.

Right now, I wanna talk about some things regarding the future that we're heading to.
Most of the people I know are at a crossroads of their lives. They're still acting like kids but they also realize the real world is something to get fucked by. Jobs are needed to survive, dreams are laying down to waste. People are constantly complaining about money, which is understandable, but they're also complaining about their job IF they have it. Which that too is quite understandable, but it's also sad that it's rare that someone's following their dreams. What do you want to do for a living? Something you're good at and would like to perfect into a real life work job. I'm not counting lazying around and playing games as a skill. There must be something you're proud of and could do something about it to make it into a profession. Think about it. Forget the temporary economic state of your country, forget the assholes surrounding you, forget the barriers of education system that makes you need to spend money to get a degree that you can only wipe your ass off with. Forget all that......what you want to do? What do you want to do with your life? Think about it.

Also, I'd like to thank everyone who reads this shit. I've gotten a lot of positive remarks and I couldn't believe a lot of people would actually read this in the first place, let alone mention that I should keep going with my writing. So this is a sort of way I get to say thank you to all of you if I don't get a chance to say in real life. I can see on my pageview-overview that the number of visits exceeds the actual numbers of contacts that I have on my msn. And I mean on daily basis. That means some people check my blog more than once a day to see if I wrote anything new. That means a lot. Thank you reader. And also, a thank you to the outside viewers that aren't on my msn. Random people who I have no relations to, reading this shit, hilarious. I didn't think that would happen.

Let's close it up for today.

Welcome to the place between two worlds. A place between determination and lazynes, a place between anger and content, a place for free thoughts and emotions.

Writing limitation

Recent events were quite amusing.
Yet again, woke up, drinking my morning coffee, contemplating on the situations that are happening, how they affect me, and how to fix them.

These past few days was a total mayhem of random situations. Met new people, old friends contacting me suddenly, ran into some unexpected new troubles, got out of some, soul spilling confessions were had, realization of reality, and everything in between.

My phone was buzzing most of the time, but I couldn't answer any message because of two reasons. 1. I was sleeping and 2. I don't have any money on my tab to reply to messages and calls.
On that matter, I seem to have gotten myself entangled into someone elses love quarrels. Out of curiosity, I helped a stranger's soul but that brought only more unnecessary problems for me. I tell myself: "Don't be a good guy Dex, don't help anyone, you'll only bring misfortune to yourself." Which it did. Now I have to balance the situation and act as a psychiatrist on both ends. I think I might be masochistic in that regard. I hate problems of emotional causality but....I seem to be drawn to fixing it. And I will fix it. So I guess a couple of "up for some coffee" messages will be in order as soon as the sun comes up.

Interesting how time seems to be precious for people that know me. I constantly complain how I don't have anyone in my life and out of irony, my phone constantly buzzes with people calling me out to hang out. Which in most of the time I just delay it, because I don't want to transfer my mood energy to them if I'm not feeling up for it. That seems to be very important to me. I can bring down the most happiest person in the world. But I can also pick up the saddest one of them all. It all depends how I'm feeling the situation.
I worry about other people's moods most of the time. Because they're depended on me as much as I am of them. I could explain that by saying something along the lines of: If someone of no major importance to me, calls me up and is down about something, why would I sacrifice my already low mood with some more depression for someone that won't help ME out, but just keep calling me until I can't help them anymore.

That can be fixed thou, but it takes a lot of patience and time. because, every time I implant a part of my good energy, they'll keep it and return it back twice-fold. But it's a very long process and all it takes is a positive starting point energy. Cause, effect, and consequence.
I help out someone -> someone helps out someone else -> etc.
But there always seems to be some negative asshole who fucks up the whole equation.

I also wanted to note my place. There's no place like home, right? True, true, I'm grateful I have a roof over my head, a beasty PC, several rooms, bathroom, kitchen, comfy chairs, amazing bed, all the little things that most people don't have. Yet.....I'm not feeling it. This place doesn't make me happy. In before bombarding me with judgmental thoughts about "Dex, why you so full of shit, you're richer than most people in your city regarding what you own, yet you're still being a faggot about it", I want to note that it's not the material parts I'm complaining about. It's just....I'm not feeling comfortable even at my own house. It's my home, but it's also not my true home you know? Something is missing. No, it's just......no, I don't know, it's just a feeling I can't exactly pinpoint. You should live where you feel most happy. This place brings anything but happy in my mind. Maybe I should relocate everything in the rooms again. Move some furniture and what not. Change things up. But will it help? I did that 15times already. It just gives me a temporary satisfaction of a good change. But I need something longterm. I'll figure it out.

Recently an old friend pointed out my behavior towards everything. In that sense I'm glad that he picked up courage to tell that to me even thou I already know it. Yes, I've became bitter, yes I've became more quiet, yes I've lost the will to shine in a cosmic good mood, and yes, I'm not expressing myself at all. I know I've became a shadow of my former self, but his point is that the weed did that to me. That it fucked up my brain so much that I won't open up to anyone. I'm afraid that's not true. That only increased my need to express. But what DID fuck me up are people. I don't open up because I'm afraid it's a bad idea, people could exploit that and then ruin me more than I'm already ruined. I've been hurt every-time I opened up. Learned my lesson and now people see my self put chains on my heart and mind, and they don't like that. Well, if you don't like it, you should have treated me better. I'm noting again that I have a MASSIVE need to express myself and not in a sense of proving something to others, it's about proving something to myself. If you're feeling uneasy with me, that's because I'm feeling uneasy with you. I can fake the feeling of comfort but deep down it's just a foggy dirty reflection of a true emotion, and when I express that emotion, you'll feel it whether you want it or not. There's only a select few that get the privilege of me being completely relaxed with them, and those even aren't the people who've know me a long time or shared a long term closeness with me. There's something to think about.

I seem to be having limitation problems about my writing, I can only say so much before getting the feeling that I've gone overboard with long speeches and texts. Which in turn prevents me to talk more about stuff, and can only point out 5% of the day and my thoughts about that situation. I'm avoiding the serious long-term contemplations because if I start to talk about that, it will be walls and walls of text. And since I don't want to trouble myself or any reader with my over the top thought essays, I'll keep it on the low go because this will be a good thing for me and others. Slowly easing in my story, my life, and my all.

Welcome to the place between love and hate, a place where logic and imagination come to clash, a place of what if's, a place between the two worlds.