What I want

Hello again.
For today, I thought I'd just chill the fuck out and not make any drama or anything. Don't get me wrong, I just feel like relaxing/lazying around all day.

I've been going out every day for a while now. Because I live far from the city, it's kind of a hassle, but I didn't give a shit about that. Basic routine these days were: get to the city, arrange coffee chill time, when it's done I run into someone who then proceeds to invite me to smoke, I accept, then after a while I run into another person and he/she too invites me for a smoke sesh. So.....basically most of my nights are full of clouds of smoke, and all I'm doing is circulating through the city. It doesn't fulfill me that much thou. I don't care that much about it. Evening would be almost the same without the aforementioned clouds. That's not what I'm searching for.

Right now, my main focus was the randomness of situations. I go out without a plan, and just drift away till I run into something positive. If something's going on that I don't like, I just go somewhere else. Luckily, situations went in my favors. I noticed some things, and the conclusion of it is: "Just because I can, doesn't mean I have to". See, that's kind of a problem. Things happen to me that most of the people would be jealous about, and kinda instigate in them the feeling of hate. Just because I act, look and do like I don't give a shit about some things that they'd want to happen to them.
I'll make a comparison. It's kind of like walking by a fruit store and knowing that you can get any apple out of there for free, but you don't want to because you don't feel like eating apples. And there are people who do, and can't just take it, so a certain kind of jealousy emerges you know?

Maybe I'm full of shit, maybe I'm just imagining things, comforting myself that I have some privileges about some immaterial and material things.
But maybe, just maybe.....that's the point. Getting yourself in that confident state of mind where you know you can, and just do it like it's no problem.
Confidence plays a major role in social communication. A year ago, my confidence and ego crashed like never before. But I learned from it. I learned from the world to toughen up. Now I'm back stronger than ever. Cautionary and serious about some things, sure, but I still got what it takes and I know I can shift my fate anywhere I want to.

For now, I'm just focusing on observing. Studying the situations, calculating my outcomes and just being careful and protective of my mind and heart. I can't let anyone get too close to me. Which is weird, because.....I could tell you almost EVERYTHING from my life, and you still won't be that close to me. I'm all about the feeling. If I feel you're a good person, friend, lover, smoke buddy, fuck buddy, I'll stick around, but if I don't......then you'll barely hear from me.


I've figured out that this "personal" online blog journal will be of interesting help to me. You know how when you hear a song, and it brings you certain memories and feelings? Well, it's kinda the same with this. I'm putting a specific energy into these words that will trigger a memory and motivation for me to go on later on. Like, when I read this couple of years into the future I'll laugh for sure, I'll even think how silly and inexperienced I was (because you can learn a lot in just a week, let alone several years). But that's the point you know. If I laugh at it, and read this with a smile, it means I've done it. I did what I hopped to achieve.

My frustration/anger is subsiding a little because I've been smoking a lot and that shit always calms me down to some level. But at the same time it's also a reactor.
Let me elaborate.

For me, herbs give of a need to relax. Chill out. I can still function in a semi-normal style and goof around with everyone. Talking, moving around, drinking, sure, anything. But for months now, that's not what I want. Is it wrong of me to just want to blaze up with a close friend or a lover and not having a care in the world, just enjoying the moment of ultimate honesty with thoughts. But see, I can't do that. I'm obsessed with other people's thoughts and opinions. And after knowing them closer and closer, I get to pick my words more carefully, and kind of limit my expression. For example, not all people will want to talk about philosophy, not all will want to talk about the beach and the stars. The moonlight reflecting on water. Imagining what's it's like if we lived in an urban jungle, where almost every street has trees, parks, good people enjoying the day you know? I respect the concrete style cities, but god damn, if we keep this up there won't be a tree to relax under. We'll be surrounded with gray pallets, gray skies and just plain old shitty moods everywhere. I digress thou. I went slightly off subject for a moment there. What I'm tying to say is....not many people share my mood about blazing.
First off, I hate smoking in the city, and I hate smoking at night. I still do it either way. Why? Because I honor my friends when they invite me to smoke with them. I humor them in that regard because if they like having me around when they/I are high, I feel the need to grant them that wish. Cheer them up somehow, bring their spirits up, steal some smiles and laughs, right?
To me thou, nothing beats a good chillout session than smoking in the morning, laying on a couch and watching the sunrise while good music is blasting in the background. You know what, fuck sunrise or home blazing, it doesn't matter that much, because I don't want to/am not specifying the details of a chill. What I'm tying to do is explain the feeling. The feeling of NOT being with a person on a logical level. Not being calculating about what words to say next because it'll offend them somehow. Not being able to speak your mind without feeling embarrassed. See, that's what I'm searching for. In another example: A person I get to be quiet with and feel comfortable. A person I don't have to entertain or please. A person I get to be truly myself with.

I think I'll end for now, because I've already made shit load of text. I'll continue next time so until then, stay safe people. Stay positive, and remember. I don't hate anyone nor I'm pretending to be someone else for them, I'm just not giving it my all.

Welcome to the space between two worlds. A place where two different realities collide and make a mess of things that I call "my thoughts". Welcome to sanity and at the same time, welcome to insanity.