Drunkard mornings

"Sometimes I do suspect, I'm a actor in a well-scripted live divine comedy
When I look back at the frozen slice of time and try to defrost the senses lost
Now enough with the metaphors, the motivation that I wrote this letter for
For you to know that the music help us carry on
Like you say a new day will bring us tomorrow..."
- Nujabes feat. Shing02 - Luv (sic)


Hey guyze. I honestly gotta say a lot of things have changed since I started writing this. I still can't mention names or specific words and happenings because I'm not the one to give away that sort of "secret" information and basic speculations.

My day started with me playing some PC games until I got a call from someone. I responded that I'll gladly go downtown for a cup of coffee. A nice reminiscence talk was had and I enjoyed the overall conversation even thou I didn't appear that way on the outside. I couldn't express fully that I'm comfortable, and also couldn't express that I wasn't. It's like holding back, but holding back for a long term reason. I've begun to listen more than to talk. And I find it ok to behave like this for a while. Just collecting various information until I know the perfect response, so that I won't be spitting empty useless bullshit. Like a psychiatrist. I believe I'm a natural at that. Could be boasting atm, but you'll know what I mean when I actually help you with something.

When the coffee talk ended, I started to stray downtown. And I gotta tell you, I ran into SHIT LOAD of people. Old friends, new friends, acquaintances, a lot of people. Luckily I looked like a sexy chill motherfucker and I was content with my looks that night so I felt good about just walking around. You know that feel, when you're clean, hair looks "breezy", have a good combination of clothes that you feel comfortable in and you just feel as if nothing's wrong. It's when you blend in just enough that no one could give you shit about your style of clothing, and yet stand out just enough to be noticeable as a unique person that you could spot miles away. Confident walk, earbuds on your ears, unzipped hoodie that looks as if it's gonna fall of your shoulders because you couldn't give less of a fuck that you're wearing it. Etc, etc.

Anyway, as the night progressed, and as I kept running into more and more people, I decided to just hang out with one of the groups. I met up with them, and we immediately started drinking. They were drinking beforehand, so I had to catch up relatively fast. And I did. I admit, I got drunk, and I even managed to FELL ASLEEP DURING A CONVERSATION. That never happened to me before you know. Imagine that situation where you're talking, talking, talking, and suddenly someone's nudging you because you fell asleep in the middle of the sentence. I only slept for a couple of seconds yet I woke up refreshed. And I felt kind of embarrassed, because my body wouldn't listen to my mind. Sober in the head, drunk in the body. So I was walking, but I strayed left and right for several minutes until I got the hang of control. It was around 5am, so I decided I won't take a cab, but walk home.
It's an amazing feeling. Walking home hungover, while the sun is coming up and you're looking at people going to work.

I feel the need to note that I've been smoking cigs significantly more. I know I'm already addicted to them, but why do I have the need to smoke more. I've never went beyond a pack a day, but recently, 2 packs barely satisfy me. That's not good not only for my health, but my wallet. I need to fix that asap.
I know that stress plays a major role in all of that, but I'm not yet comfortable to tell what's the reason for that stress. But I can say that in the next few days, my stress will either increase, or it will disappear completely.

Also, another thing.
I'm not depressed. Far from it. The feeling of seriousness, worry and a low brow when I'm next to some people doesn't mean that I'm depressed. It just means that I have a lot on my mind and that I'm trying to organize the right words without:
A) Sounding too serious
B) Sounding too goofy
C) Spitting out random bullshit

So let this be a reminder. I'm not sad, I'm not depressed, I'm just building up my personality to adapt to my age without scaring off old friends with a sudden change in behavior and a way of thinking. I'm still a funny charming goofy guy, but I need to express my serious side too, you know.


I think I'll close up for today. I wanted to write this morning when I returned after a drinking session but I don't think that would be a good idea. It's better like this, when I wake up and I pull out things from my (long term) memory that got stuck, instead of impulsive short term thoughts that won't get me nowhere, instead, overcrowd my blog with random bullshit that will soon be forgotten and I won't learn from it.

Welcome to the space between two worlds friends, welcome and stay safe and awesome. Spread the good vibes, and I'll return them twice-fold.