So we start again...

"So we start again, read between the lines. I know it's been a while, I hear you're doing fine. There's just little time, many tales to tell. I'm sure I'll never ask, but I wish them well"
-Dansete Junior - It's Unreal

Well, that was an interesting opening line. It really has been a while my personal online journal thingie (and random readers).
As some already know, this is a place where I mostly express my thoughts, needs, desires, complaints and other "unimportant" things.

I have a LOT to talk about and the need to burst out keeps getting closer and closer. So I'm hopping this will be a good way to vent. I'm unsure as to where to start since I have a lot of ground to cover about inactivity for about a year. Many things happened in my life that both changed my perspective, body, mind, soul, whatever. So I'm just gonna start rambling at a random topic, okay? Good.

First thing I want to say is.....I'm proud to be an Ent. Since I can't really openly tell that to people in real life (only a select few), let this be a beacon of sincere confession. I've been smoking herbs for years now and I'm glad that I did and do. Recently, I haven't been smoking as much  because of financial troubles AND also  because I just can't enjoy it to the fullest with some people, hence I refuse free smoke sessions almost everyday. Which is funny because people enjoy my company when they and myself are blazed out of their/mine skull, but I don't enjoy their company. I know a LOT of different people and even thou I can be myself with them, I can't be 100% you know? I'm all about good vibes, chill situations, and just, talking about random life facts, universe, psychology, all sorts of philosophy things. But see, MOST people I know aren't like that. They're all about: "Dude, let's smoke some shit, then go to a club or something. Do something fun!" I get that, you wanna try out different things while under the effects of herbs, but you know, I've already experienced those sort of things, and even thou they can be fun and eventful, for now I just want to smoke while enjoying the sunrise, morning coffee or simply chilling with a friend not doing much. I want to relax. I'm afraid I can't emphasize the importance of the fact about me trying to relax. The reason behind that is....I worry too much about things. My mind is constantly filled with "what ifs". Even thou I don't appear that way on the outside and just look like I'm one chill motherfucker, inside, I'm filled with thoughts that slow me down. First of, let me note that I live in an environment where people view me as an alien, outcast, they look at me with "fear of something different".

I don't belong here. Heh. I know, I know, it's became a sort of a cliche, but let me clarify. I'm living in an area where no one in the radius of 5miles understands, nor is willing to understand about something higher than waking up at 6am, going to work, and returning home for several beers, gets drunk, than makes trouble for everyone around them. Every day the same. Closed minded fucks that would crucify me if they smelled a hint of herbs or heard a music that's different than local folk country whatever shit.

The place where I live is actually something of a double edged sword. Even thou I have no one close to me to relate to because I live in a suburban part of town, the only good thing about it is the....hmm, let's just say quiet. You can't hear cars, surrounded by nature, I get a good look at the sunrise from my balcony, and I can just enjoy a morning coffee without a single sound of distress. And who I get to share that with? Almost no one.

Don't get me wrong. I'm not a shy guy or anything of the like. I'm a social butterfly, wherever I go I bring smiles and good vibes. But that's the problem.......I'M the one who has to make an effort to show up somewhere. Because I live so far from the city and everyone I consider a friend is a stoned lazy bastard who doesn't want to waste precious cash on a cab to get here, it became an issue for me.

I do have about 2-3 people that actually even thou it's a bother for them to visit me, they actually come with a smile. Occasionally with a delicious bag of weed. Why? Because we're good friends, and I do that too.

"Get a girlfriend Dex, then you won't feel so lonely"
It's not about that. I've been with countless of girls. Sex also isn't an issue. I know I'm a great boyfriend, and would do simply ANYTHING to make my girl happy. But the problem is that even thou I know shit load of girls and could be with any of them if I wanted to, I still don't. Why? Because neither of them come anywhere near of what I'm asking from a girl. I know what I want and I won't stop until I find it. Too bad I already did find the one that makes me happy and I make her. The irony is that she's all the way across the globe. God fucking damn it. Fuck you life, why make everything so hard for people.

I think this wall of text is enough for now. I haven't even covered the surface of what's going on and I also think this will be a good "therapy" for now. Expressing my thoughts because if I don't, I'm unsure what will happen because I'm at my peak of blowing up. I'm afraid I'll hurt myself or someone if I do. Way too much bottled stuff.

That's it for now. Join in on the next episode of "How I'll turn my life for the better and make myself and everyone around me, happy"

Welcome to the space between two worlds. Logic and imagination, light and dark, heaven and hell, existence and non-existence...