You wanna watch it all fall apart?

"You wanna watch it fall apart
Every time I walk I watch
I look, I notice, I observe
I read the signs
And the signs are pointing in the wrong direction
The signs are not naming the streets
or leading you to the highways
the signs are naming names
tombstones to mark the death of children not even born
and I don't mean abortion I mean what is to come"

|

Nujabes - The Sign Feat. Pase Rock

I don't think I could have picked better opening lyrics for this post. So yeah, been a while readers. How are you? You doin' good? (Grammatically it would be correct to say "doing well" but I meant this in a literal sense)

Anyway I once again feel the need to point out why I'm typing in English. It's because I have a much broader English audience than native. Plus, what I 'have to say' is considered more globally than locally.

I said in one of the previous posts that I wouldn't like to get into politics and my opinions about it, but sometimes I can't help it. It's like looking at a downed horse with a broken ankle and just staring at it, not being able to do anything about it yet you want to.

Politics is a very serious subject, and I should leave it to much smarter and determined minds than mine, but instead of just average Joe ramblings I'll try to bring out opinions of how to help instead of bashing and pointing out that everything is -excuse the term- FUCKED.

Today, I was checking out the global news and the report was focused on rapid decline in car sales. Because the sell rates are getting so low most of the car companies are forced to shut down their production and hence fire thousands and thousands of workers. Do you see where this is going? Let's do a simple logical observation.

People don't have money to buy cars -> Car companies fail->Thousands of people get without jobs and hence without money -> That in term means that people will have even less money to spend on commodities -> people don't have money to buy "insert whatever" -> "Whatever" companies fail -> ...
Now, I understand that I'm exaggerating and that it isn't as simple as that because I'm thinking on a smaller scale. But too much shit is going on on a global scale and instead of just getting to the root of problems, most politicians and bankers are focusing on somehow getting that wounded horse to get up and make it run. But it can't. It's already injured, and making it run will only make things worse.

What's the root of problems you wonder? Well.......ourselves. It's not the money, it's not the government, it's not some shadow figure controlling the world. It really is ourselves. We've allowed this to happen and we're still allowing it. Greed, corruption, extreme focus on the monetary system.

Money is just a tool. And we're definitely using it wrong. When the whole point of our society is thinking up ways to get more money out of someone's pocket and thus making them miserable while you get a temporary luxury, you gotta wonder, where is all this going? It's no secret that the 1% of people in the world have unimaginable wealth and they don't do anything to earn it, while MOST people work 9-5 in jobs they hate, making less and less every year. Not to mention the modern slavery problem. Yes, modern slavery is very much real. Very, very much real.

"Conservative estimate is that there are 27 million people in slavery today. This means that there are more people in slavery today than at any other time in human history."

Source: www.freetheslaves.net

Now, I'm not some saint advocate about it. I know you people can't do much, as neither can I, but the important part is that now you are AWARE. That is my contribution at least. I also know that I don't have a broader audience to point this out to, but as they say: "Rome wasn't built in a day".

Have we forgotten how to help each other without money coming to mind? The status quo (you scratch my back, I scratch yours) is long gone. What happened to kindness? What happened to love?

"Dex, you're an idiot. You need to get a job and stop saying those things. Just keep your head down and pray that it will get better" - Something I hear way too often.
First of all I do have a job. Hardworking physical one. Second of all, what is wrong in realizing the problem and trying to figure out a way to fix it, instead of just hopping someone else does? Who's that someone else? Is it you? You reading this right now. Can you fix some things? Didn't think so. You don't want that responsibility. You just wanna go to school/work, come back, play some games, maybe go out, get drunk/high and than do it all over again. Every day, for the rest of your life, until SOMETHING happens. It's relatively 'easy' to get money. It's even easier to spend it. But guess what, you can earn it again. What you can't earn back is TIME. Every day, you're getting closer to death. You're apathetic. Just waiting for your life to end. You don't care about your future. You don't care about your goals anymore. You don't care about some day maybe accidentally forming a family. You don't care in what world your children will grow up in. Or do you? Maybe you're smarter than I thought. Maybe you aren't the consumerist sheep the government and corporations think you are. Maybe somewhere down there in your heart there is still some good in you, willing to help others without asking nothing in return?

I'm not inciting the concept of revolution or protests or whatever. I'm focusing on the fact that you can't help anyone if you can't even help yourself. Be a better person, be kind to others, and make an example in this corrupt broken world that people should look up to you, trying to be more like you.

I figured this is enough text for today, so, until next time, stay safe people, do good.

Welcome to the space between two worlds.

I got something to say about dreams

"Once again, now where do I start, dear love
Dumb struck with the pure luck to find you here
Every morn' I awake from a cavernous night,
Sometimes still pondering the previous plight,
Seems life done changed long time no speak,
Nowadays I often forget the day of the week"
Shing02 - Luv(sic) Pt.2

As I awoke this morning I thought: "Damn, those were some pretty intense dreams. Why did I give myself that experience".

It seams that in my dreams I purposely place myself in difficult situations, projecting my secrets onto others and seeing how I'll deal with that situation. I gotta say, it's pretty effective. Since I can only imagine it in real life but the results won't be as vivid because there are no emotional effects, in the dreams it feels too real to deny. Most of the times I just 'pause' the dream and become conscious so I wake up to avoid dealing with that situation, but other times I overcome my challenge and become more confident and sure of myself when the time comes to deal with it in real life.

Dreams are cool aren't they? Think about it. Brain never sleeps. Your body goes into rest mode while your mind gives you all kinds of situations and variations of reality. A small percentage of the time you're conscious about it (some actually never achieve that), being in a state of lucid dreaming. Where you get to manipulate the reality around you to your desire. So in a mater of speaking, you become your own God in dreams.

Nightmares? What about them? Nightmares are your own manifestation of fears. You scare yourself. The sooner you realize that, the better you'll be. I haven't had nightmares in years, because I realize that I'm actually addicted to revealing the unknown instead of being scared by it. Oh, and about those before-mentioned challenges: They aren't nightmares, just uneasy situations that could happen in real life, and I'm not scared by them, just uneasy. But as I solve them one by one,  it's like I get a 'level up' in my psyche.

Dreams sometimes hold a lot of symbolism. Have you ever dreamed something so weird and incomprehensible that you wake up with a 'wtf' look on your face? Only to realize months later what it meant (if you manage to remember it). There are a lot of times where I've dreamed a certain situation, a conversation and an event where it was so vivid, I couldn't make up if it was a dream or a memory. The kicker is that that dream is a future event, and when IT ACTUALLY HAPPENS, you can't explain it to someone because they look at you all crazy like. That's why I tell some of my dreams to people, so that they'd have a hint of things to come before dismissing me as "Dex, you're full of shit, there's no way you could have dreamed that situation". And when it does happen, all they can do is look at me with pale expression on their face and me telling them "I told you so".

I've been trying to do Astral Projection for a while now. AsPro can be best explained as getting in a dream fully awake/conscious. In contrast to lucid dreaming where you become conscious while dreaming. Been reading books, had people walk me through it and generally I know everything there is to know about Projecting. But I can't do it. Why? Because the KEY of projecting is 'letting go'. You have to be perfectly calm and content. My fault is that I become excited seconds before light engulfs me and I start to drift up. I become so excited that my heart starts pounding fast, and I fall into my body. Agh! I must work on my meditation and calmness further. But I'm a restless person. I like to thinker, explore, be excited about the metaphysics part.

Oh. I gotta note that I like hearing about other people's dreams. So if you dream something interesting and weird, don't be shy to hit me up and tell me about it.

I'm gonna finish up for now, and hopefully next time talk a little about the economy, betterment of the environment, social entanglements and those sort of bullshit. I won't complain much, instead give examples how everything could be done better. At least from my perspective, so everyone is welcome to dismiss me and point out where I'm wrong. That's the point isn't it? To get to a place where we can all agree on something and better ourselves.

Welcome to the space between two worlds, the striving for neutrality and inner peace.

First of the 13th

"Smile, what's the use of crying
You'll find that life is still worthwhile
If you just smile"
-Charles Chaplin

Hello.
This blog post is the first in the year of 2013 hence the unimaginative title name.
Well, wow, interesting turn of events. Everyone was so hyped about that 21.12.2012 thing. Even me I admit. Most of the people thought the end of the world was coming, like, legit hell on earth. I say those people were bonkers. The end of 2012 symbolized the end of an era, and the beginning of change. Can you not see it's effects? Can you not see people expressing their dissatisfaction more and more with their leaders, their way of life? 

I don't want to get political because it would serve no purpose on this blog. But the fact still stands that 21.12. made people more aware of their surroundings and their state.

I changed plenty since the last time I posted, and I have to admit it's for the better. BUT, as all things in my life it's a double edged sword in fact. I'm grateful for the change, but I inherited new problems with it. Good thing I always have some sort of a positive masochistic view where I still value light more, no matter how much I descend or dwell in darkness.

Let us clarify. When I say 'darkness' I mean the negative emotions and state of mind. Like anger, depression, hate and all those "sins" like greed, lust, etc.

Recently one close friend of mine pointed out over the phone that I sounded dissatisfied with everything in my life and that I shouldn't feel like that. I went on to explain how friends constantly let me down, and that the emotion is solid and based on a fact. We agreed to meet up for coffee and of course I was stood up. My fucking point exactly.

Regardless, I met some new cool people that show potential. I just hope the system doesn't corrupt them much and that they continue to express love and kindness everyday. I will contribute by trying to lift them up as much as I can. Show them the brighter side of life instead of the everyday bullshit with poverty, riots and depression.

Right now it's important for me that I started writing this again and I don't want to blow my load right away in one blog post. So I'll write in small chapters. Hopefully filled with positivity!

Stay vigilant people, and spread some love.

Solitude be the remedy? Nah

"Burn my time and energy, jerks ain’t no friends to me
Solitude be the remedy? Nah
I need love in my life, friends by my side
Live stimulation, banter, conversation
Good vibrations, don’t think I’m asking for much
But these things don’t just fall out the sky"
-Nujabes feat. Apani B-Fly Emcee - Strive

I don't think these lyrics need further explanation.

Hi reader. I've been away for several days now. Away from home and away in thoughts. I've been having some weird bonding with old friends and former lovers. And by weird, I mean it was unexpected. As some know, I'm rarely home these days. I'm almost everyday downtown, meeting up with people, drinking coffee, smoking some potent shit. And it felt good. Why did it feel good? Because I love being around people. Even thou most of them aren't compatible with me, I still enjoy company. And I've been in good mood for days now so it's all good.

I really don't have any definitive thoughts atm because I'm still in the process of waking up and figuring out my day, but I'll try to put some opinions and desires in here for today.

So, what was I saying....ah yes, friendship, love, good vibes. Back in the days (several years ago), there was this......really cool friendship we all had. We used to met up in a park, every night. We drank, we laughed, everyone was good friends with eachother. But then, all of a sudden, it all fell apart. Most of the people spread out into different circles and now they all basically "hate" eachother. Those who left, had to adapt to new circles of friendship. Seeking out an alternative. But nothing will be the same. Maybe that's for the better. Searching for the most compatible circle. That's what I was thinking about 2 days ago. I was returning home, high as a motherfucker, and I started thinking about friend circles. Who's where, relationships, basic friendships, acquaintances, where they all fit in. And now, I'm on a mission to create the perfect circle. A group of friends that are perfectly compatible with each other. It's a hard endeavor, and it will take me years, but I'm sure I can do it.

Anyway, I've been cut of from the world for a while until a week ago. I've wanted to see if isolation and solitude would help me or if I could learn from it. Turns out, solitude isn't for me. What I needed to do is just control the amount of time I give to others, and regulate my own "doing nothing" time. Now everything is a-ok. I've explained to some people that I can't be available 24/7 because I live so fucking far away from the city, and I hope they understand when I say that I can't meet up.

I think you can feel my energy through my words. Right now I'm not feeling so......wordy. I do have a lot to talk about, but I don't think I need to force it out of me if I'm not feeling up to it you know.

What I can do, is give you some songs I made to listen to. Because why not? My songs are basically a reflection of my thoughts made into music. Every sound is symbolic and I'm not into pop genre of music where I make songs for others. I make them to express myself.

Here's the link. Enjoy
http://soundcloud.com/project-sunrise

What I want

Hello again.
For today, I thought I'd just chill the fuck out and not make any drama or anything. Don't get me wrong, I just feel like relaxing/lazying around all day.

I've been going out every day for a while now. Because I live far from the city, it's kind of a hassle, but I didn't give a shit about that. Basic routine these days were: get to the city, arrange coffee chill time, when it's done I run into someone who then proceeds to invite me to smoke, I accept, then after a while I run into another person and he/she too invites me for a smoke sesh. So.....basically most of my nights are full of clouds of smoke, and all I'm doing is circulating through the city. It doesn't fulfill me that much thou. I don't care that much about it. Evening would be almost the same without the aforementioned clouds. That's not what I'm searching for.

Right now, my main focus was the randomness of situations. I go out without a plan, and just drift away till I run into something positive. If something's going on that I don't like, I just go somewhere else. Luckily, situations went in my favors. I noticed some things, and the conclusion of it is: "Just because I can, doesn't mean I have to". See, that's kind of a problem. Things happen to me that most of the people would be jealous about, and kinda instigate in them the feeling of hate. Just because I act, look and do like I don't give a shit about some things that they'd want to happen to them.
I'll make a comparison. It's kind of like walking by a fruit store and knowing that you can get any apple out of there for free, but you don't want to because you don't feel like eating apples. And there are people who do, and can't just take it, so a certain kind of jealousy emerges you know?

Maybe I'm full of shit, maybe I'm just imagining things, comforting myself that I have some privileges about some immaterial and material things.
But maybe, just maybe.....that's the point. Getting yourself in that confident state of mind where you know you can, and just do it like it's no problem.
Confidence plays a major role in social communication. A year ago, my confidence and ego crashed like never before. But I learned from it. I learned from the world to toughen up. Now I'm back stronger than ever. Cautionary and serious about some things, sure, but I still got what it takes and I know I can shift my fate anywhere I want to.

For now, I'm just focusing on observing. Studying the situations, calculating my outcomes and just being careful and protective of my mind and heart. I can't let anyone get too close to me. Which is weird, because.....I could tell you almost EVERYTHING from my life, and you still won't be that close to me. I'm all about the feeling. If I feel you're a good person, friend, lover, smoke buddy, fuck buddy, I'll stick around, but if I don't......then you'll barely hear from me.


I've figured out that this "personal" online blog journal will be of interesting help to me. You know how when you hear a song, and it brings you certain memories and feelings? Well, it's kinda the same with this. I'm putting a specific energy into these words that will trigger a memory and motivation for me to go on later on. Like, when I read this couple of years into the future I'll laugh for sure, I'll even think how silly and inexperienced I was (because you can learn a lot in just a week, let alone several years). But that's the point you know. If I laugh at it, and read this with a smile, it means I've done it. I did what I hopped to achieve.

My frustration/anger is subsiding a little because I've been smoking a lot and that shit always calms me down to some level. But at the same time it's also a reactor.
Let me elaborate.

For me, herbs give of a need to relax. Chill out. I can still function in a semi-normal style and goof around with everyone. Talking, moving around, drinking, sure, anything. But for months now, that's not what I want. Is it wrong of me to just want to blaze up with a close friend or a lover and not having a care in the world, just enjoying the moment of ultimate honesty with thoughts. But see, I can't do that. I'm obsessed with other people's thoughts and opinions. And after knowing them closer and closer, I get to pick my words more carefully, and kind of limit my expression. For example, not all people will want to talk about philosophy, not all will want to talk about the beach and the stars. The moonlight reflecting on water. Imagining what's it's like if we lived in an urban jungle, where almost every street has trees, parks, good people enjoying the day you know? I respect the concrete style cities, but god damn, if we keep this up there won't be a tree to relax under. We'll be surrounded with gray pallets, gray skies and just plain old shitty moods everywhere. I digress thou. I went slightly off subject for a moment there. What I'm tying to say is....not many people share my mood about blazing.
First off, I hate smoking in the city, and I hate smoking at night. I still do it either way. Why? Because I honor my friends when they invite me to smoke with them. I humor them in that regard because if they like having me around when they/I are high, I feel the need to grant them that wish. Cheer them up somehow, bring their spirits up, steal some smiles and laughs, right?
To me thou, nothing beats a good chillout session than smoking in the morning, laying on a couch and watching the sunrise while good music is blasting in the background. You know what, fuck sunrise or home blazing, it doesn't matter that much, because I don't want to/am not specifying the details of a chill. What I'm tying to do is explain the feeling. The feeling of NOT being with a person on a logical level. Not being calculating about what words to say next because it'll offend them somehow. Not being able to speak your mind without feeling embarrassed. See, that's what I'm searching for. In another example: A person I get to be quiet with and feel comfortable. A person I don't have to entertain or please. A person I get to be truly myself with.

I think I'll end for now, because I've already made shit load of text. I'll continue next time so until then, stay safe people. Stay positive, and remember. I don't hate anyone nor I'm pretending to be someone else for them, I'm just not giving it my all.

Welcome to the space between two worlds. A place where two different realities collide and make a mess of things that I call "my thoughts". Welcome to sanity and at the same time, welcome to insanity.

Drunkard mornings

"Sometimes I do suspect, I'm a actor in a well-scripted live divine comedy
When I look back at the frozen slice of time and try to defrost the senses lost
Now enough with the metaphors, the motivation that I wrote this letter for
For you to know that the music help us carry on
Like you say a new day will bring us tomorrow..."
- Nujabes feat. Shing02 - Luv (sic)


Hey guyze. I honestly gotta say a lot of things have changed since I started writing this. I still can't mention names or specific words and happenings because I'm not the one to give away that sort of "secret" information and basic speculations.

My day started with me playing some PC games until I got a call from someone. I responded that I'll gladly go downtown for a cup of coffee. A nice reminiscence talk was had and I enjoyed the overall conversation even thou I didn't appear that way on the outside. I couldn't express fully that I'm comfortable, and also couldn't express that I wasn't. It's like holding back, but holding back for a long term reason. I've begun to listen more than to talk. And I find it ok to behave like this for a while. Just collecting various information until I know the perfect response, so that I won't be spitting empty useless bullshit. Like a psychiatrist. I believe I'm a natural at that. Could be boasting atm, but you'll know what I mean when I actually help you with something.

When the coffee talk ended, I started to stray downtown. And I gotta tell you, I ran into SHIT LOAD of people. Old friends, new friends, acquaintances, a lot of people. Luckily I looked like a sexy chill motherfucker and I was content with my looks that night so I felt good about just walking around. You know that feel, when you're clean, hair looks "breezy", have a good combination of clothes that you feel comfortable in and you just feel as if nothing's wrong. It's when you blend in just enough that no one could give you shit about your style of clothing, and yet stand out just enough to be noticeable as a unique person that you could spot miles away. Confident walk, earbuds on your ears, unzipped hoodie that looks as if it's gonna fall of your shoulders because you couldn't give less of a fuck that you're wearing it. Etc, etc.

Anyway, as the night progressed, and as I kept running into more and more people, I decided to just hang out with one of the groups. I met up with them, and we immediately started drinking. They were drinking beforehand, so I had to catch up relatively fast. And I did. I admit, I got drunk, and I even managed to FELL ASLEEP DURING A CONVERSATION. That never happened to me before you know. Imagine that situation where you're talking, talking, talking, and suddenly someone's nudging you because you fell asleep in the middle of the sentence. I only slept for a couple of seconds yet I woke up refreshed. And I felt kind of embarrassed, because my body wouldn't listen to my mind. Sober in the head, drunk in the body. So I was walking, but I strayed left and right for several minutes until I got the hang of control. It was around 5am, so I decided I won't take a cab, but walk home.
It's an amazing feeling. Walking home hungover, while the sun is coming up and you're looking at people going to work.

I feel the need to note that I've been smoking cigs significantly more. I know I'm already addicted to them, but why do I have the need to smoke more. I've never went beyond a pack a day, but recently, 2 packs barely satisfy me. That's not good not only for my health, but my wallet. I need to fix that asap.
I know that stress plays a major role in all of that, but I'm not yet comfortable to tell what's the reason for that stress. But I can say that in the next few days, my stress will either increase, or it will disappear completely.

Also, another thing.
I'm not depressed. Far from it. The feeling of seriousness, worry and a low brow when I'm next to some people doesn't mean that I'm depressed. It just means that I have a lot on my mind and that I'm trying to organize the right words without:
A) Sounding too serious
B) Sounding too goofy
C) Spitting out random bullshit

So let this be a reminder. I'm not sad, I'm not depressed, I'm just building up my personality to adapt to my age without scaring off old friends with a sudden change in behavior and a way of thinking. I'm still a funny charming goofy guy, but I need to express my serious side too, you know.


I think I'll close up for today. I wanted to write this morning when I returned after a drinking session but I don't think that would be a good idea. It's better like this, when I wake up and I pull out things from my (long term) memory that got stuck, instead of impulsive short term thoughts that won't get me nowhere, instead, overcrowd my blog with random bullshit that will soon be forgotten and I won't learn from it.

Welcome to the space between two worlds friends, welcome and stay safe and awesome. Spread the good vibes, and I'll return them twice-fold.

Coffee Talks, Stoned Talks

Well.....wow. I've really started to enjoy the randomness of situations that engulf me.
I wanted to write last night, but I was too stoned to even look with my eyes. But the good part was that my eyes were open in a metaphorical sense.

So, where do I begin. Hmm. I did what I talked about in the last blog post, about calling some people for a cup of coffee downtown. It was still morning when I went to the city, and it was morning when I returned, 16 hours later. I had a very relaxed conversation with someone dear to me and I'm thinking I should do it often, then out of nowhere when I was returning home I ran into an old friend, then later on, we went to another old friend. That certainly brought my mood up.

But what really surprised me even thou it was to be expected to (I just didn't know when), was when an old friend asked me to smoke him out for the first time. So I did. We laughed, we got goosebumps, we tripped, we had sudden moments of realization, all in all, it was unsuspectingly pleasant since I'm wary about newcomers to my smoke circle. Speaking of which, I wanna talk about that a bit more atm.

The thing is, you never know what kind of person you'll run into when they're blazed for the first time. That's their first realization of themselves and they aren't aware of their words and behaviors. So it's important to always set the mood right and keep the high spirit rolling. Ambiance of music, good vibe flows and just keeping the interesting conversation going. Those things are very important for me to like someone who's high. The reason I say this is because there are a lot of people I know that turn into very different persons when they're stoned. When the paranoia and barriers of manners and words disappears you get a person that openly express their desires, openly expresses their thoughts, and sometimes you don't like what you hear, but most of the times it's all good. That was the case last night. Everything was unexpectedly chill. So I think I might have gotten a new Ent to my circle. Note to self: I should visit him more often.

Right now, I wanna talk about some things regarding the future that we're heading to.
Most of the people I know are at a crossroads of their lives. They're still acting like kids but they also realize the real world is something to get fucked by. Jobs are needed to survive, dreams are laying down to waste. People are constantly complaining about money, which is understandable, but they're also complaining about their job IF they have it. Which that too is quite understandable, but it's also sad that it's rare that someone's following their dreams. What do you want to do for a living? Something you're good at and would like to perfect into a real life work job. I'm not counting lazying around and playing games as a skill. There must be something you're proud of and could do something about it to make it into a profession. Think about it. Forget the temporary economic state of your country, forget the assholes surrounding you, forget the barriers of education system that makes you need to spend money to get a degree that you can only wipe your ass off with. Forget all that......what you want to do? What do you want to do with your life? Think about it.

Also, I'd like to thank everyone who reads this shit. I've gotten a lot of positive remarks and I couldn't believe a lot of people would actually read this in the first place, let alone mention that I should keep going with my writing. So this is a sort of way I get to say thank you to all of you if I don't get a chance to say in real life. I can see on my pageview-overview that the number of visits exceeds the actual numbers of contacts that I have on my msn. And I mean on daily basis. That means some people check my blog more than once a day to see if I wrote anything new. That means a lot. Thank you reader. And also, a thank you to the outside viewers that aren't on my msn. Random people who I have no relations to, reading this shit, hilarious. I didn't think that would happen.

Let's close it up for today.

Welcome to the place between two worlds. A place between determination and lazynes, a place between anger and content, a place for free thoughts and emotions.