Ghettos of Babylon

"By the Ghettos of Babylon where we sat down, in a meditation, wanting Zion"
-Dezarie - Ghettos of Babylon

Why am I opening up with lyrics. Who knows, maybe they hold a deeper meaning for me. Actually, most of the things in this world has a deeper meaning for me. I view things in a symbolic vision, sort of like with those lyrics. Babylon can be replaced with the name of my city and Zion can be replaced with just good vibes and good things. So it would mean that my friends and I sat down somewhere to smoke, and since we're living in an illegal smoke zone it became a ghetto, so we just want good things and vibes. No violence, no paranoia about undercover cops, no corruption.

Right now I'm drinking my morning coffee, listening to chill reggae, trying to get sleep out of my body. I've slept for about 13 hours, and I still feel tired and can barely move. Walking like a zombie. Not that I mind that much. I can handle my body being tired, but why is my mind still tired.

Anyway, I "met" a new friend yesterday. I've known that guy for a while but we never actually talked about stuff or got to know each other. Yesterday, he called me up and asked if I wanted to hang out. Out of curiosity I said sure and several hours later we met up for coffee. Turns out, he's a really cool individual, and somehow reminds me of myself when I was younger. He had some problems regarding a girl and I think I was the only one that was able to give him honest advices and suggestions how he should deal with it. Not just with that, I bombarded him with unnecessary information about my state of mind, and he looked interested enough to actually understand. I could speak on almost equal grounds with him about philosophy, parapsychology and just basic psychology. He has the means to understand, is highly intelligent and open minded, only lacks experience and an experienced point of view. That's where I come into play. I'm not here to fill his mind with things he should do or tell him how to live his life. I'm here to give him guidance, advices and just test his mind until he reaches a conclusion of his own. Even thou I support self-growth, because I myself had to learn things the hard way, I feel like it doesn't have to be that way with him. I just need to point out my mistakes and wisdom so that he doesn't do the same things as I did. So he'd become a better person that I am in a relative short time. Also I must note that he's teaching me as much as I'm teaching him.

Right now it's the very end of August. A lot of things will change tomorrow and I'm thinking it will be the same for me.

Once again I feel the need to mention my soul-mate. I don't think I've ever met an amazing girl like her. She's perfect to me in every way. Which is kind of problematic since every hot girl that comes at me and says hi, I blow her off like she's nothing.Which in turn makes me more desirable but also an idiot because I'm turning down a smoking hot girl. Hah. But no matter. A super model could start flirting with and I'd still do the same thing because of a before-mentioned perfect girl for me. And since this thing can be read by almost anyone, it's kinda like declaring the whole world that there's no match for her.. A challenge maybe? hehehe I kid I kid.

There's one more person I'd like to mention that is of significance to me. I can't say his name, nor I'll mention anyone's name in here to keep discretion. Anyway, back to subject at hand. I've know that person for several years now. Interesting to note that even thou we don't hang out often, we've NEVER in these past years had even the slightest problems between each other. I've shared a good portion of my years with him in the past and not a single strand of regret was had. Even thou we're kinda different people we still manage to act as brothers when we're together. All those gaming nights, all those drunk talks....I love you bro, don't ever change. You've got so much to teach me, and in return, I'll keep my highly valued respect for you intact.

I guess this will do for today. I'm not really in the mood for typing, or anything else for that matter, but I'll try.

Keep the good vibes flowing friends, because, the more positivity you share with me, the more positivity I'll return.

Welcome to the place between light and darkness, a place of no bullshit, just sincere thoughts.

So we start again...

"So we start again, read between the lines. I know it's been a while, I hear you're doing fine. There's just little time, many tales to tell. I'm sure I'll never ask, but I wish them well"
-Dansete Junior - It's Unreal

Well, that was an interesting opening line. It really has been a while my personal online journal thingie (and random readers).
As some already know, this is a place where I mostly express my thoughts, needs, desires, complaints and other "unimportant" things.

I have a LOT to talk about and the need to burst out keeps getting closer and closer. So I'm hopping this will be a good way to vent. I'm unsure as to where to start since I have a lot of ground to cover about inactivity for about a year. Many things happened in my life that both changed my perspective, body, mind, soul, whatever. So I'm just gonna start rambling at a random topic, okay? Good.

First thing I want to say is.....I'm proud to be an Ent. Since I can't really openly tell that to people in real life (only a select few), let this be a beacon of sincere confession. I've been smoking herbs for years now and I'm glad that I did and do. Recently, I haven't been smoking as much  because of financial troubles AND also  because I just can't enjoy it to the fullest with some people, hence I refuse free smoke sessions almost everyday. Which is funny because people enjoy my company when they and myself are blazed out of their/mine skull, but I don't enjoy their company. I know a LOT of different people and even thou I can be myself with them, I can't be 100% you know? I'm all about good vibes, chill situations, and just, talking about random life facts, universe, psychology, all sorts of philosophy things. But see, MOST people I know aren't like that. They're all about: "Dude, let's smoke some shit, then go to a club or something. Do something fun!" I get that, you wanna try out different things while under the effects of herbs, but you know, I've already experienced those sort of things, and even thou they can be fun and eventful, for now I just want to smoke while enjoying the sunrise, morning coffee or simply chilling with a friend not doing much. I want to relax. I'm afraid I can't emphasize the importance of the fact about me trying to relax. The reason behind that is....I worry too much about things. My mind is constantly filled with "what ifs". Even thou I don't appear that way on the outside and just look like I'm one chill motherfucker, inside, I'm filled with thoughts that slow me down. First of, let me note that I live in an environment where people view me as an alien, outcast, they look at me with "fear of something different".

I don't belong here. Heh. I know, I know, it's became a sort of a cliche, but let me clarify. I'm living in an area where no one in the radius of 5miles understands, nor is willing to understand about something higher than waking up at 6am, going to work, and returning home for several beers, gets drunk, than makes trouble for everyone around them. Every day the same. Closed minded fucks that would crucify me if they smelled a hint of herbs or heard a music that's different than local folk country whatever shit.

The place where I live is actually something of a double edged sword. Even thou I have no one close to me to relate to because I live in a suburban part of town, the only good thing about it is the....hmm, let's just say quiet. You can't hear cars, surrounded by nature, I get a good look at the sunrise from my balcony, and I can just enjoy a morning coffee without a single sound of distress. And who I get to share that with? Almost no one.

Don't get me wrong. I'm not a shy guy or anything of the like. I'm a social butterfly, wherever I go I bring smiles and good vibes. But that's the problem.......I'M the one who has to make an effort to show up somewhere. Because I live so far from the city and everyone I consider a friend is a stoned lazy bastard who doesn't want to waste precious cash on a cab to get here, it became an issue for me.

I do have about 2-3 people that actually even thou it's a bother for them to visit me, they actually come with a smile. Occasionally with a delicious bag of weed. Why? Because we're good friends, and I do that too.

"Get a girlfriend Dex, then you won't feel so lonely"
It's not about that. I've been with countless of girls. Sex also isn't an issue. I know I'm a great boyfriend, and would do simply ANYTHING to make my girl happy. But the problem is that even thou I know shit load of girls and could be with any of them if I wanted to, I still don't. Why? Because neither of them come anywhere near of what I'm asking from a girl. I know what I want and I won't stop until I find it. Too bad I already did find the one that makes me happy and I make her. The irony is that she's all the way across the globe. God fucking damn it. Fuck you life, why make everything so hard for people.

I think this wall of text is enough for now. I haven't even covered the surface of what's going on and I also think this will be a good "therapy" for now. Expressing my thoughts because if I don't, I'm unsure what will happen because I'm at my peak of blowing up. I'm afraid I'll hurt myself or someone if I do. Way too much bottled stuff.

That's it for now. Join in on the next episode of "How I'll turn my life for the better and make myself and everyone around me, happy"

Welcome to the space between two worlds. Logic and imagination, light and dark, heaven and hell, existence and non-existence...