Writing limitation

Recent events were quite amusing.
Yet again, woke up, drinking my morning coffee, contemplating on the situations that are happening, how they affect me, and how to fix them.

These past few days was a total mayhem of random situations. Met new people, old friends contacting me suddenly, ran into some unexpected new troubles, got out of some, soul spilling confessions were had, realization of reality, and everything in between.

My phone was buzzing most of the time, but I couldn't answer any message because of two reasons. 1. I was sleeping and 2. I don't have any money on my tab to reply to messages and calls.
On that matter, I seem to have gotten myself entangled into someone elses love quarrels. Out of curiosity, I helped a stranger's soul but that brought only more unnecessary problems for me. I tell myself: "Don't be a good guy Dex, don't help anyone, you'll only bring misfortune to yourself." Which it did. Now I have to balance the situation and act as a psychiatrist on both ends. I think I might be masochistic in that regard. I hate problems of emotional causality but....I seem to be drawn to fixing it. And I will fix it. So I guess a couple of "up for some coffee" messages will be in order as soon as the sun comes up.

Interesting how time seems to be precious for people that know me. I constantly complain how I don't have anyone in my life and out of irony, my phone constantly buzzes with people calling me out to hang out. Which in most of the time I just delay it, because I don't want to transfer my mood energy to them if I'm not feeling up for it. That seems to be very important to me. I can bring down the most happiest person in the world. But I can also pick up the saddest one of them all. It all depends how I'm feeling the situation.
I worry about other people's moods most of the time. Because they're depended on me as much as I am of them. I could explain that by saying something along the lines of: If someone of no major importance to me, calls me up and is down about something, why would I sacrifice my already low mood with some more depression for someone that won't help ME out, but just keep calling me until I can't help them anymore.

That can be fixed thou, but it takes a lot of patience and time. because, every time I implant a part of my good energy, they'll keep it and return it back twice-fold. But it's a very long process and all it takes is a positive starting point energy. Cause, effect, and consequence.
I help out someone -> someone helps out someone else -> etc.
But there always seems to be some negative asshole who fucks up the whole equation.

I also wanted to note my place. There's no place like home, right? True, true, I'm grateful I have a roof over my head, a beasty PC, several rooms, bathroom, kitchen, comfy chairs, amazing bed, all the little things that most people don't have. Yet.....I'm not feeling it. This place doesn't make me happy. In before bombarding me with judgmental thoughts about "Dex, why you so full of shit, you're richer than most people in your city regarding what you own, yet you're still being a faggot about it", I want to note that it's not the material parts I'm complaining about. It's just....I'm not feeling comfortable even at my own house. It's my home, but it's also not my true home you know? Something is missing. No, it's just......no, I don't know, it's just a feeling I can't exactly pinpoint. You should live where you feel most happy. This place brings anything but happy in my mind. Maybe I should relocate everything in the rooms again. Move some furniture and what not. Change things up. But will it help? I did that 15times already. It just gives me a temporary satisfaction of a good change. But I need something longterm. I'll figure it out.

Recently an old friend pointed out my behavior towards everything. In that sense I'm glad that he picked up courage to tell that to me even thou I already know it. Yes, I've became bitter, yes I've became more quiet, yes I've lost the will to shine in a cosmic good mood, and yes, I'm not expressing myself at all. I know I've became a shadow of my former self, but his point is that the weed did that to me. That it fucked up my brain so much that I won't open up to anyone. I'm afraid that's not true. That only increased my need to express. But what DID fuck me up are people. I don't open up because I'm afraid it's a bad idea, people could exploit that and then ruin me more than I'm already ruined. I've been hurt every-time I opened up. Learned my lesson and now people see my self put chains on my heart and mind, and they don't like that. Well, if you don't like it, you should have treated me better. I'm noting again that I have a MASSIVE need to express myself and not in a sense of proving something to others, it's about proving something to myself. If you're feeling uneasy with me, that's because I'm feeling uneasy with you. I can fake the feeling of comfort but deep down it's just a foggy dirty reflection of a true emotion, and when I express that emotion, you'll feel it whether you want it or not. There's only a select few that get the privilege of me being completely relaxed with them, and those even aren't the people who've know me a long time or shared a long term closeness with me. There's something to think about.

I seem to be having limitation problems about my writing, I can only say so much before getting the feeling that I've gone overboard with long speeches and texts. Which in turn prevents me to talk more about stuff, and can only point out 5% of the day and my thoughts about that situation. I'm avoiding the serious long-term contemplations because if I start to talk about that, it will be walls and walls of text. And since I don't want to trouble myself or any reader with my over the top thought essays, I'll keep it on the low go because this will be a good thing for me and others. Slowly easing in my story, my life, and my all.

Welcome to the place between love and hate, a place where logic and imagination come to clash, a place of what if's, a place between the two worlds.

Ghettos of Babylon

"By the Ghettos of Babylon where we sat down, in a meditation, wanting Zion"
-Dezarie - Ghettos of Babylon

Why am I opening up with lyrics. Who knows, maybe they hold a deeper meaning for me. Actually, most of the things in this world has a deeper meaning for me. I view things in a symbolic vision, sort of like with those lyrics. Babylon can be replaced with the name of my city and Zion can be replaced with just good vibes and good things. So it would mean that my friends and I sat down somewhere to smoke, and since we're living in an illegal smoke zone it became a ghetto, so we just want good things and vibes. No violence, no paranoia about undercover cops, no corruption.

Right now I'm drinking my morning coffee, listening to chill reggae, trying to get sleep out of my body. I've slept for about 13 hours, and I still feel tired and can barely move. Walking like a zombie. Not that I mind that much. I can handle my body being tired, but why is my mind still tired.

Anyway, I "met" a new friend yesterday. I've known that guy for a while but we never actually talked about stuff or got to know each other. Yesterday, he called me up and asked if I wanted to hang out. Out of curiosity I said sure and several hours later we met up for coffee. Turns out, he's a really cool individual, and somehow reminds me of myself when I was younger. He had some problems regarding a girl and I think I was the only one that was able to give him honest advices and suggestions how he should deal with it. Not just with that, I bombarded him with unnecessary information about my state of mind, and he looked interested enough to actually understand. I could speak on almost equal grounds with him about philosophy, parapsychology and just basic psychology. He has the means to understand, is highly intelligent and open minded, only lacks experience and an experienced point of view. That's where I come into play. I'm not here to fill his mind with things he should do or tell him how to live his life. I'm here to give him guidance, advices and just test his mind until he reaches a conclusion of his own. Even thou I support self-growth, because I myself had to learn things the hard way, I feel like it doesn't have to be that way with him. I just need to point out my mistakes and wisdom so that he doesn't do the same things as I did. So he'd become a better person that I am in a relative short time. Also I must note that he's teaching me as much as I'm teaching him.

Right now it's the very end of August. A lot of things will change tomorrow and I'm thinking it will be the same for me.

Once again I feel the need to mention my soul-mate. I don't think I've ever met an amazing girl like her. She's perfect to me in every way. Which is kind of problematic since every hot girl that comes at me and says hi, I blow her off like she's nothing.Which in turn makes me more desirable but also an idiot because I'm turning down a smoking hot girl. Hah. But no matter. A super model could start flirting with and I'd still do the same thing because of a before-mentioned perfect girl for me. And since this thing can be read by almost anyone, it's kinda like declaring the whole world that there's no match for her.. A challenge maybe? hehehe I kid I kid.

There's one more person I'd like to mention that is of significance to me. I can't say his name, nor I'll mention anyone's name in here to keep discretion. Anyway, back to subject at hand. I've know that person for several years now. Interesting to note that even thou we don't hang out often, we've NEVER in these past years had even the slightest problems between each other. I've shared a good portion of my years with him in the past and not a single strand of regret was had. Even thou we're kinda different people we still manage to act as brothers when we're together. All those gaming nights, all those drunk talks....I love you bro, don't ever change. You've got so much to teach me, and in return, I'll keep my highly valued respect for you intact.

I guess this will do for today. I'm not really in the mood for typing, or anything else for that matter, but I'll try.

Keep the good vibes flowing friends, because, the more positivity you share with me, the more positivity I'll return.

Welcome to the place between light and darkness, a place of no bullshit, just sincere thoughts.

So we start again...

"So we start again, read between the lines. I know it's been a while, I hear you're doing fine. There's just little time, many tales to tell. I'm sure I'll never ask, but I wish them well"
-Dansete Junior - It's Unreal

Well, that was an interesting opening line. It really has been a while my personal online journal thingie (and random readers).
As some already know, this is a place where I mostly express my thoughts, needs, desires, complaints and other "unimportant" things.

I have a LOT to talk about and the need to burst out keeps getting closer and closer. So I'm hopping this will be a good way to vent. I'm unsure as to where to start since I have a lot of ground to cover about inactivity for about a year. Many things happened in my life that both changed my perspective, body, mind, soul, whatever. So I'm just gonna start rambling at a random topic, okay? Good.

First thing I want to say is.....I'm proud to be an Ent. Since I can't really openly tell that to people in real life (only a select few), let this be a beacon of sincere confession. I've been smoking herbs for years now and I'm glad that I did and do. Recently, I haven't been smoking as much  because of financial troubles AND also  because I just can't enjoy it to the fullest with some people, hence I refuse free smoke sessions almost everyday. Which is funny because people enjoy my company when they and myself are blazed out of their/mine skull, but I don't enjoy their company. I know a LOT of different people and even thou I can be myself with them, I can't be 100% you know? I'm all about good vibes, chill situations, and just, talking about random life facts, universe, psychology, all sorts of philosophy things. But see, MOST people I know aren't like that. They're all about: "Dude, let's smoke some shit, then go to a club or something. Do something fun!" I get that, you wanna try out different things while under the effects of herbs, but you know, I've already experienced those sort of things, and even thou they can be fun and eventful, for now I just want to smoke while enjoying the sunrise, morning coffee or simply chilling with a friend not doing much. I want to relax. I'm afraid I can't emphasize the importance of the fact about me trying to relax. The reason behind that is....I worry too much about things. My mind is constantly filled with "what ifs". Even thou I don't appear that way on the outside and just look like I'm one chill motherfucker, inside, I'm filled with thoughts that slow me down. First of, let me note that I live in an environment where people view me as an alien, outcast, they look at me with "fear of something different".

I don't belong here. Heh. I know, I know, it's became a sort of a cliche, but let me clarify. I'm living in an area where no one in the radius of 5miles understands, nor is willing to understand about something higher than waking up at 6am, going to work, and returning home for several beers, gets drunk, than makes trouble for everyone around them. Every day the same. Closed minded fucks that would crucify me if they smelled a hint of herbs or heard a music that's different than local folk country whatever shit.

The place where I live is actually something of a double edged sword. Even thou I have no one close to me to relate to because I live in a suburban part of town, the only good thing about it is the....hmm, let's just say quiet. You can't hear cars, surrounded by nature, I get a good look at the sunrise from my balcony, and I can just enjoy a morning coffee without a single sound of distress. And who I get to share that with? Almost no one.

Don't get me wrong. I'm not a shy guy or anything of the like. I'm a social butterfly, wherever I go I bring smiles and good vibes. But that's the problem.......I'M the one who has to make an effort to show up somewhere. Because I live so far from the city and everyone I consider a friend is a stoned lazy bastard who doesn't want to waste precious cash on a cab to get here, it became an issue for me.

I do have about 2-3 people that actually even thou it's a bother for them to visit me, they actually come with a smile. Occasionally with a delicious bag of weed. Why? Because we're good friends, and I do that too.

"Get a girlfriend Dex, then you won't feel so lonely"
It's not about that. I've been with countless of girls. Sex also isn't an issue. I know I'm a great boyfriend, and would do simply ANYTHING to make my girl happy. But the problem is that even thou I know shit load of girls and could be with any of them if I wanted to, I still don't. Why? Because neither of them come anywhere near of what I'm asking from a girl. I know what I want and I won't stop until I find it. Too bad I already did find the one that makes me happy and I make her. The irony is that she's all the way across the globe. God fucking damn it. Fuck you life, why make everything so hard for people.

I think this wall of text is enough for now. I haven't even covered the surface of what's going on and I also think this will be a good "therapy" for now. Expressing my thoughts because if I don't, I'm unsure what will happen because I'm at my peak of blowing up. I'm afraid I'll hurt myself or someone if I do. Way too much bottled stuff.

That's it for now. Join in on the next episode of "How I'll turn my life for the better and make myself and everyone around me, happy"

Welcome to the space between two worlds. Logic and imagination, light and dark, heaven and hell, existence and non-existence...

-Marathons-

 

Here we go again.

Now, the reason I chose to put this title is because recently I’ve been having a lot of movie marathons.

 

I watched StarWars movies, Blade movies and Harry Potter movies in the last couple of days. Why did I do that? I have no idea, but I would like to talk a little bit about them.

 

First off, I’ve loved Star Wars universe ever since I was a little kid (no, this isn’t boasting, just making a point). Then one day when I got the INTRAWEBZ I accidently came across a Serbian Star Wars forum. Fuck me in the ass if I know what it was called atm but that’s beside the point. So yeah, I joined that forum and I was a true flaming fanboy. I couldn’t stop thinking about SW for months. Then, episode 2 came along and everything was “meh”. I did thou watch episode 3 in the theaters when it was first aired. Even then, I felt kind of incomplete. It wasn’t what I expected maybe?

The Star Wars universe is actually pretty complex if you look behind the movies. I mean, a LOT of fan based comics are just motherfucking awesome.

See my point?

There isn’t any Luke and Yoda faggotry here. Don’t get me wrong, I LOVE the older trilogy, but so much is left out in the newer ones. In the original trilogy we get mystery, “magic”, politics, that feeling you get when you immerse yourself into this unknown phantasy world.

But with the newer trilogy, all I saw was a bunch of faggotry. That’s why I vote for comics. They’re darker, they bring you into a deeper world, and they let you enjoy SW universe with your own imagination.

 

Thou, enough about Star Wars.

I mentioned that I watched Blade trilogy, yes? Well, I don’t know why I did that. I just got the urge to watch a few vampires burst into flames and die an agonizing death…….huh.

 

Oh, about the Harry Potter movies. I know a lot of you don’t like them, and I’m not going to try and convince you that it’s good. It’s your opinion and I respect it.

So yeah, for the past 3 days, I watched 7 Harry Potter movies. Cheezus Christ they are long. I remember watching the first movie when I was just a kid, 9 years ago, right? So yeah, I loved the whole magic and adventure thing going on. I haven’t watched the Half Blood Prince and Deathly Hollows until today and HOOOOLLEEYYY SHIT how much they changed the whole franchise. Harry went from an innocent little boy to a bad ass motherfucker blasting the shit out of everything. Personally, the Half Blood Prince is the best movie in the series. But Deathly Hollows is PACKED with politics, murder, deception, betrayal, sex, love, etc.

I did NOT see that coming when I watched HP 9 years ago.

 

 

I’ll try to keep these blogs short because I got a lot of “complaints” that the previous one was too bloody long. I didn’t really plan to talk about movies in this one, I guess I just sorta went with the moment when I started writing.  I planed to write a COMPLETELY different subject, but I guess it’ll have to wait till tomorrow.

 

Good morning, good day and good night to you sir OR madam.

What day it is?

 

I really didn’t know what to write in my title.

Hello reader. Perhaps you’re wondering: “What the hell am I doing, reading this guy’s journal?” or maybe “What is this shit?!”. Well, shortly explained, this here WAS my way of saying: “Hello world, my life is awesome and I’d like to share it with you”. You know, what everyone was doing back in the days (2 years ago). Now, all I see is tumblr, facebook and bunch of other faggotry. I’ve been inactive with blogger for a long time now.

I may be a little hypocritical because I, myself, used facebook, but honestly the only reason I used it was because some people just “refuse” to use MSN messenger.  And no, I’m not going to complain about facebook or other crap that you might be expecting. That would be too easy and “unoriginal” (I say unoriginal because………fuck you, I don’t know where I was going with this").

 

What I AM going to write about are just some random stuff from my life. If you aren’t interested, you can close this tab right away, I wouldn’t mind, I’m writing this mostly for myself anyway.

 

First of, it’s goddamn 8:15am while I’m writing this. I’m guessing by the time I’m finished it would be around 8something. And as you may presume, I don’t get up that early. I’ve yet again switched day for night. Sleeping during the day, doing unproductive things at night.

I have two justifications for that.

1. It’s more quieter during the night (i.e. 3am). Seriously. I love peace and quiet when I’m alone. Meaning, I don’t want no one bothering me while I pwn some nolifers (sarcasm) in Team Fortress 2. Heh, just kidding, I don’t immerse myself in gaming as I used to when I was younger. Althou I like to play a couple of hours when I’m in the mood.

2. What the hell is wrong with me, why can’t I go back to sleeping at night. Cheezus, I like sunlight! I like nice sunny weather and clouds! I want to go back to sleeping at night.

.

.

oh wait, I realized that it’s been a shitty weather for months now. Excluding the 2 days of sunshine earlier these past few days because the streets were still suffering from the horrors of winter. So yeah, my response to cold weather and shitty clouds is…well, sleeping. If I see those grim skies, my mood shifts from awesome to not so awesome.

 

By now I’ve completely forgotten what I was gonna write in the first place.

Oh yeah! Well, people who will read this will most likely be from my MSN contacts list. I’ve recently been deleting a lot of people from there. Reason: I don’t want to keep people who I don’t talk to, who annoy me in some reason and who are just too “unfriendly” to talk to.

Keep in mind that if you’re reading this, you’re obviously not deleted nor I plan to delete you.

 

You’re probably tired from this wall of text, are you?

It’s not easy for me to write it either.

 

That’s because I have a flu, cold, virus, whatever you want to call it. I’ve been feeling it coming for days now. The coughs, the sneezes. But today, I feel very, very weak. You know what’s that like, right? Of course you do, everyone’s been sick at least at one point in their life. Why the hell am talking like I’m a Mr. Know it all, or as if I’m a good writer. I’m not. The reason you’re probably reading all of this is because you’re wondering if Fernando will ever get his girl Marianela, and if their mother in law will allow for their wedding, because it’s been rumored that they’re brother and sister, but in fact they are not, it’s just that someone switched babies when they were born.  Ahhhh, you gotta low soap operas. The only tv show in the planet where they hold the Guinness world of records for most fake tears usage.

No, that’s not actually true, althou I might google it afterwards to check it.

 

Mh, yes, the cold. I got off subject.

I can hardly walk and sometimes I feel like a zombie when I do. It quite sucks to be sick. Not that anyone would actually want to get sick on purpose. That man would be having some sick issues (awful pun intended).

 

Another thing.

These days, you gotta be very selective about your friends. I’m not saying it’s a bad thing to have many “friends”, it’s just that, how many REAL friends can you count on your fingers? I’m betting it doesn’t precede the number 5 on your left hand that is currently on your face. Gottcha there didn’t I?

“Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer”. That’s bullshit. If someone’s my enemy, I don’t even want to hear his name be mentioned. I say: “Keep your REAL friends close, and tell your enemies to fuck off”

The quote up there about “enemies closer”, is somewhat true thou. IF YOU’RE ON A FUCKING BATTLEFIELD.

I’m a lover, not a fighter. My plan in life is to enjoy it as much as I can. After all, as I heard it in a song “We only got one life. So you better live free. You have to take control, of your own destiny.” so you best not be wearing a frown. =3

 

I have more things to say about friendships and some things about other things that affect some more things about things…………things dude, you know what I mean(!), but this wall of text is turning into a shit load of text. So I’ll be bidding you a farewell for now, reader.

 

If you’re interested to read more or if you hated/liked what I’m writing, leave a comment on my msn chat window (doesn’t matter if I’m offline or not, I’ll read it for sure). 

Whoa…..

I can’t believe msn actually has an option to connect my blog with msn itself.

 

I “guess” this is a cool feature. But I’m unsure if I’ll be willing to type at all.

Since I have a broader english audience on msn I will type in english.

Anyway, this is just a test for now.

 

Here’s a pretty picture for you to look at while I figure out what to do with this.

For old times sake

Mogao bih malo da ochistim ovu prashinu sa mog....nazovi-bloga.

Svashta-neshto se dogadjalo u poslednje vreme. Za pochetak, I got a job. Yaaaaaaaay.
Oduvek sam u nekom delu zivota zeleo da radim kao shanker. Paaa, eto, ostvarilo se. Mislim da postoje 4 stadijuma neke zelje.
1. Napravi sebi neki cilj ili zelju u zivotu
2. Ostvari ga/je
3. Vidi da nije onako kako si ochekivao
4. Zali se u vezi toga.

Tako je barem bilo u mom sluchaju.
Jednog dana sam doshao na ideju: "Jebote zivot, do jaja kaficj, dolazim ovde vec godinu dana. Totalno bih mogao da radim ovde"
sledece shto sam uradio jeste pitao gazdu za posao. Dao mi je je OK, i vec posle 2-3 dana sam dolazio na probu iliti upoznavanje u rad.
Sve je ishlo po loju. Odlichno radio i sve to, i u nedelju je bio moj prvi dan posla.
Proshao je super, kao shto sam i ochekivao.

Aaaaa onda je doshao ponedeljaaaaak. Tu sam radio u drugu smenu. Od 4 do 9 sam se sjajno provodio i nije bilo nikakvih problema. I onda od 9, nisam vec znao gde se nalazim. Zashto?
Upada lik, i onako nonshalantno mi kaze: "Daj mi 2 Long Island-a".
Odjednom, meni u glavi: "O, sranje, niko mi nije pokazao kako se pravi to"
"Pa znate, ovaaaj, ja sam ovde nov, niko mi...ovaaaj....ne znam kako se...."
"Molim?! Auuuu breee ne znash"
"Keve mi, ovo mi je prvi dan da radim uveche"
"A ma opushteno onda, docicu drugi put"

-kasnije, zvoni mi telefon-
"Hallo"
"E, Dex, ovde *****"
"O, zdravo gazda"
"kako ide?"
-fast forward-
"MOLIM? Pa kako ti niko nije pokazao kako se prave kokteli?!"
"Pitao sam ja, ovi koji rade su mi rekli da niko nece da mi trazi to u ponedeljak"
"Ma kako bre nece da ti traze? Shto nisi pitao?"
"Ali upravo sam rek..."
"....... ajde chujemo se kasnije"

i nisam se chuo sa njim celo veche : (
Mada, tu je bio i drugi gazda. On je skroz kul. Ima neopisivo ozbiljnu facu, ali totalno ne mozes da pomislish nishta loshe o njemu na nachin na koji se krece i pricha. Ne mogu drugachije da objasnim. Ko zna, zna.

Ma svashta. Havarija na sve strane. Tek sam pocheo sa poslom a vec razmishljam o otkazu. Koji bedak. Em shto mi oduzima masu mog glorifikovanog lenjog vremena, em shto se stresiram za dzabe. A i totalno mi se ne isplati da radim u drugu smenu. Hrana, cigare, prevoz do, taxi nazad, ode mi cela dnevnica jebote. Mogao bi to da regulishem da ne radim u drugu smenu. Ionako gazde ne zanima KO radi, samo je vazno da neko radi.

I taaaako.
Kad sam kuci dodushe, imam vremena samo da izchetam sa par ljudi, overim par stranica, gledam malo u plafon, ako dodje Mima, izblejim sa njom, i onda spavam. Sutradan ista rutina.
Skupljam kintu inache da kupim akustichnu gitaru. Ne original naravno, odakle mi kesha za to. Mogao bih malo da svirkam, i daj boze nauchim neku stvar.
To mi je novi cilj. Samo se nadam da se ne ponovi ista stvar kao i sa poslom.

Necu vishe da vas smaram, ne znam ni ko ce sve ovo da chita. Tako da, neka se zavrshi na ovome za sada.
Uzivajte ljudi, najverovatnije cu i sutra neshto napisati.